


Forgive Me Father For I Have Sinned.

by Naveri



Category: Purple Hyacinth - Ephemerys & Sophism (Webcomic)
Genre: AUish, An abundance of Crack, Comedy, Confessions, Crack, Dylan is alive and not evil unless he's cosplaying, Gen, I'm not sorry for this, Kieran and Dylan are weebs, Kieran is OCD, Kieran is a sinner, Lauren is a closet Weeb, Messenger lowkey wants to be Darth Vader, Prompts are welcome, The Messenger is Hot until proven otherwise, There's phones in this crack, Thirsty Old Lady, Voice changing devices aswell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-15
Updated: 2020-09-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:11:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26480143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Naveri/pseuds/Naveri
Summary: Kieran has sinned. He sins every day, and chooses to confess these sins in order to have a clear mind. However, he happens to get the one Messenger that doesn't want to hear his shit, and things go south....very very quickly.
Comments: 13
Kudos: 29





	Forgive Me Father For I Have Sinned.

**Author's Note:**

> Dylan's alive, don't ask.
> 
> Don't even ask about this story, I have no answers.
> 
> Shoutout to Knicks on discord (intheKnickoftime) on here for giving me some ideas for Kieran's sins.
> 
> Update: This hits different if we see Rafael as the messenger.

The eerie aura radiating off Grey Chapel was now a familiar and even comforting blanket for the famed Purple Hyacinth, his shoes tapping along the stairs, palm flattening against the large damp and grooved doors. With a creak, he left it ajar, slipping through it and heading toward the confessional box. His eyes lifted to the hanging chandelier, littered with cobwebs and the rain that had followed last night’s full moon. Once inside the box, Kieran plopped down, clearing his throat, his eyes casting toward the other side. A messenger sat, he never knew which one. They all seem to be using voice changing devices. Which ranged from becoming the pure devil to him thinking, _is that a child!?_

“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.” Kieran grinned. 

The voice he heard next almost had him spit. 

“Purple HyEEcinth---” the high pitched uwu kawaii desu voice cut off abruptly. Kieran stifled a full on laugh, covering his mouth. It again continued, a cute high tone. 

“ExCUSE mE. There sEEMs to be somEthing wrong with the dEvice.” 

Kieran couldn’t hold in his laughter, chuckling. 

“YoUU darEE laugh at MEE HyEEciNTH!” 

Kieran cleared his throat from anymore laughs chasing their way to his tongue. The voice changed to its normal deep baritone. 

“There we go. Anyways.” 

“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned once more. Laughing at you was a means of no disrespect.” Kieran spoke with that quirky smirk still present. He leaned back on the uncomfortable wood, kicking his leg up onto his thigh and lounging. Kieran’s eyes gazed down at his socks and a sense of realization and sadness washed over him. The Messenger cleared his throat, a shifting of clothes stealing the silence. He was about to speak when Kieran spoke up again.

“Forgive me, Father. For I have sinned more than once today, my regrets are deep and it is not even evening as of yet. I--”

“Hyacinth, I’m here to give you another mission not listen to yo--”

Kieran whimpered dramatically.

“I realized much too late, I wore TWO different pairs of socks today. The audacity of my choice that I somehow picked out my favorite black pair and ended up with one GREY SOCK!? I--this--”

“Hyacinth, shut u---”

“That is not even the worst of it, Father.”

“I am not--”

“It’s so much worse” He sniffled, taking off his shoe and placing his foot on the window.

“THE GREY ONE HAS A HOLE IN IT!”

The Messenger let out something like a disgruntled groan, backing away from the foot squashed on the little opening. 

“That isn’t all! They’re completely two different sizes, my black ones are specifically ankle length, and yet my grey ones are just slightly longer, how I had not seen this before hand...or should I say...BEFORE FOOT!?”

“Are you seriously--”

Kieran cut him off again, pushing his foot down back into his shoe and sighing with heavy OCD regret. 

“This was only the beginning of my most horrid day thanks to my mismatched socks that led a curse upon my head.” 

The Messenger by now had stood, grunting something inaudible. 

“The fandom...Father. They wish me not to EVEN WEAR SOCKS! I have bestowed great disappointment on my loving fans who wish not to only consummate with me, but also punch me in the face. Now I have angered them all. Surely, a mob will be present knowing I’m even wearing socks! BUT, wearing no socks with these shoes...I can’t possibly do such a thing father."

The next words a hiss upon his tongue. 

"That is _sinful.”_

The Messenger again sat, shaking his head in utter shock. “Are you finished?” 

“Yes.”

“As I was saying, the Leader has a new mission for yo---” 

He was once again cut off as Kieran stood in a blitz. 

“FATHER! NO...I have yet to confess the rest of my sins today.” 

“yOuwuuwu havEE got--GOD DAMNUUWUU IT” The Messenger screeched, the high pitched uwu desu voice returning. 

Kieran stopped, laughing again. “Listen here, Loli. I’m trying to confess!” 

“What the fuck yoUUWUU just say to mEEE!” 

The Messenger stood, punching the wall and ripping the voice changer out of his mask. It went flying out the door, the echo of uwuwuwuwuu bouncing off the church walls. They heard a man call out.

"WHAT IN GODS HIGH HEAVEN!"

Some screams were heard and a scurry of feet escaping the building. 

"Maybe you should confess to your sins...for damaging the building."

The messenger reached into his pocket. Replacing the voice changer with another and turning it on. It worked correctly, unfortunately for Kieran. He was actually enjoying this. 

"Shut up and let me debrief you on this mission. There should be some papers unde-"

"Father. Please, forgive me. I must confess. Today, I was jaywalking like the incompetent fool I am, causing a car to swerve around me and hit my neighbor who was NOT JAYWALKING. SHE WAS A NICE OLD LADY. DESPITE HER THIRST FOR MY BICEPS AND CHARMING FEATURES and the fact--" he was brutally cut off the messenger standing and opening the door. 

"Just read the god damn envelope and do your job!" His cloak fluttered behind him, more screams being heard as he turned on the Darth Vader voice and demanded the people to move from his path. 

"Out of my way, peasants!"

Kieran sobbed. "I WASN'T FINISHED CONFESSING!"

He bolted from the Chapel. Upset that the unbalanced confession of his day was sure to ruin his month. 

His year. 

His LIFE. 

He stomped back to his apartment, eyes casting to the now vacant home of the old lady that got rekt by the vehicle. She got punted, he was sure in any game of golf, she would have been a hole in one. 

"Kieran, what's wrong with you?"

Lauren was standing down the street, ready to ditch his ass if he started being weird. 

"LAUREN. I NEED TO CONFESS!"

"WHAT!? NO KIERAN, GOD NO!"

"LAUREN! I-" Kieran reached her, falling to his knees and hanging on to her coat tails. She repulsed, kicking him like a small dumb dog. 

"HELP, THERE'S A PERVERT! POLICE!"

"YOU ARE THE POLICE!" Kieran gripped her, standing and dragging her into his apartment. She was frantic, wondering if Kieran was drunk or got hit in the head. Or just fucking stupid. She went with the latter. 

Kieran dramatically fell over onto the kitchen counter. In his head he started counting his sins. It was customary for him to confess them all but this particular Messenger would not have it. He would send in a complaint file later and have the guy fired. 

"Why are you acting like Kym. I absolutely hate it here." Lauren looked at him in disgust, fixing her coat and cringing at him. 

"Will you listen to my confessions, darling, please?"

Lauren sighed, taking the bait and nodding. 

Kieran cleared his throat. "Forgive me, Fath--wait. Uh..hm. Forgive me, Mother--

Lauren slammed her head on the wall. "KIERAN NO. DON'T CALL ME MOTHER."

"Mommy?"

She choked him, ringing his neck and blasting the famed episode 43 out of its number one spot as the most brutal abuse of Purple Hyacinth.

He coughed, tapping out on the kitchen counter. "OKAY I'LL JUST CONFESS!" He pushed away, slicking his hair back and gaining an irresistible charming grin.

"Lauren..I got you these flowers." 

He pulled them straight from the inside of his pants, daisies mangled and broken, smashed or just too depressing to look at. 

"WHERE THE HELL DID THOSE EVEN COME FROM AND WHAT'S WRONG WITH THEM!?" Lauren shouted, backing away. 

"They're destroyed...just like my day. Just like our partnership. BROKEN JUST LIKE MY LIFE. AND I'LL CONFESS. I STOLE THEM. I GOT THEM AT DYLANS STUPID FUCKING FLOWER SHOP BUT HE TRIED TO OVERCHARGE ME!"

"You certainly can't return those you fucking buffoon!" Lauren smacked her forehead, grabbing the bouquet of daisies and other assorted useless crumbled flowers and chucked them out the window. She heard a squeal of tires and a scream, an old lady with flowers upon her face being punted across Ardhalis by a maddening drunk driver.

The front door busted down, Dylan heaving like a giant gorilla and stomping into the apartment. 

"YOU!" He seethe, pointing at Kieran. 

"Hey, frig off Dylan I'm busy here trying to confess!"

Lauren and Dylan spoke at the same time. "EXCUSE ME!?"

They looked at one another, then back to Kieran. 

"I CONFESS. I DIDN'T JUST STEAL THE FLOWERS DYLAN. I stole your Tokyo Ghoul mask. I know how much your weeb ass wants to be Kaneki, but this buyer wanted it for a good price and I wasn't gonna pass it up. The PS loves that shit."

Dylan growled, pushing passed Lauren and started a bitch slap fight with Kieran. They went back and forth slapping at each other like little school children. 

"I LOVE THAT MASK KIERAN YOU WILL DIE FOR YOUR CRIMES!"

"It was trash!! Kaneki is straight up garbo, cosplay something better you degen!" 

Lauren stood frozen, her soul leaving her body as she stepped back toward the open door.

"Oh yeah!? Well. I stole your Akatsuki Robe just last week, bet you didn't even notice because you know Naruto isn't popular anymore and you feel like the degen walking around with it at the cons!" 

"I LOVE that robe. How dare you, Walmart Kaneki lookin' ass!"

They punched each other, ripping at each other's hair and growling. 

A ping and a voice sounded through the apartment. 

"UwU! Time for your dailies!" Lauren froze, the other two as well freezing in place, arms tangled and shirts half pulled off. 

"The fuck was that? Was that you, trash?" Kieran blurted.

Dylan scoffed. "I don't play gacha games I'm not a fucking loser weeb."

Lauren gulped. They stared her way. 

"I gotta go!" She sprinted out the door, leaving them in the dust. 

"WAIT LAUREN I HAVEN'T FINISHED MY CONFESSIONS YET!"

**Author's Note:**

> I'm open to prompts. I'll prob end up making this the crack dump where all my stupid ideas go and make it into a collection. I have an over abundance of ideas that are spilling over the crack jar.


End file.
